I feel incredibly sad that I didn't chronicle my pregnancy on my blog the way some do. It's been such a long road getting pregnant and actually staying pregnant... maybe a part of me has just not wanted to blog just in-case something went wrong.
I feel like I need to share my journey with you all, I’m not sure why… I hope I’m able to articulate my story so that others may feel a sense of peace or understanding with their own trails.
Finding out I was pregnant for the first time wasn't the happiest moment, it was more shock than anything else.
We had just moved to Utah and I hadn’t been feeling very well. I associated it with the stress of moving and leaving behind a nice apartment. Turns out that was not the case, Cameron found me passed out on the floor, he called the ambulance and after about an hour in the hospital, I was told that I was pregnant.
My jaw literally dropped. I just looked at Cameron and thought, ‘how are we going to do this?' Turns out he had the same thought.
We went to my first doctor’s appointment together on my birthday. At this point I should have been 12 weeks, I had been doing some research and I knew at week 5 the heart starts to beat so I was looking forward to hearing it for myself.
I remember thinking that alone would have made all the sickness worth it.
We sat and waited, they pulled us into a room where the doctor came in and introduced himself. I remember lying on my back as he had his microphone pressed up to my lower abdomen trying to hear the heart beat. There was no sound, he turned off the air coming into the room and still... no sound.
I knew immediately something was wrong.
He told me not to worry that I probably wasn’t as far along as we initially thought but he wanted to be sure so, he sent me down to the ultrasound room where we were immediately seen.
Almost as soon as I saw the baby my eyes filled up with tears.
The baby didn’t look anything like a 12 week baby should; it was smaller but big enough for a heartbeat and I just knew…
I asked the ultrasound tech if everything was okay. She didn’t reply… she just looked at the screen and touched my arm and said she'd be right back.
I broke down. The ride home was the worst; I just sat in the passenger seat staring out the window. Was something wrong with me? Why had I been so sick? Why am I still sick? Why did this happen to me? What if I can never have children?
The doctor had determined that I had in fact been carrying for 12 weeks but lost it at 7-8 weeks, which explained why I was so very sick.
He gave me the option of surgery or pills. I wanted to do it at home privately so I went with the second option.
Sadly, it didn’t work and I ended up having to go into surgery.
For me, losing the first was the hardest. Though, looking back it was a tender mercy that things didn’t work out. We were young newlyweds that didn’t have a dime to our name.
In September 2008 Cameron joined the US Army and we moved to Fort Bragg in June of 2009. We immediately tried to get pregnant; after a year we saw a fertility doctor to no avail. After 19 long months, we finally got some good news.
I came home from the grocery store in late October; I picked up a few miscellaneous items including a pregnancy test. I had planned on waiting until the next morning to take it but I thought, ‘Why not?’
I took the test and walked away not really thinking much of it since the answer for the previous 19 months had always been the same. I came back into the bathroom a few minutes later and there it was… not one but TWO lines staring back at me. I checked the box 3 time’s jus to be sure and I started jumping up and down screaming Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you!
I grabbed the test, ran down the stairs and and jumped into the car.
As I headed to Cameron’s work I kept looking back down at the test saying, ‘this can’t be real!’
He was sitting a room with a bunch of other soldiers when I walked up and asked to speak to him. My eyes were red from crying so many happy tears. I asked to speak with him and he stood up and we walked around the corner and I just opened my bag and handed to him. It took him a good 10 seconds to realize what was going on… and he looked up at me and said, ‘Are you pregnant?’ I began to laugh and I said, ‘Yes!’ We embraced and kissed, seeing how excited he was made me so very happy. Cameron walked around saying, ‘I’m going to be a Dad!’
It was one of life’s good moments.
He later told me he thought he was in trouble because he saw I had been crying.
Oh my husband…
Soon the appointments started and things were looking well. After week 8 the doctor said since everything was looking good he would see me again until week 12.
A few days after my 8 week appointment I started feeling much better and I took as a good sign.
At our 12 week appointment we were both ready to see our little bean. They had been doing ultrasounds at every appointment just to be on the safe side.
Once again, it was the same story. There was the baby, it looked the same as before but there was no little heart beat.
We both cried this time.
I felt totally inadequate as a woman… I should be able to bare children and fulfill my purpose here on Earth. But, what is wrong with me? Why would he(Cameron) want to be with me if I couldn’t even give him the children he so desperately wanted?
These are feelings that I continued to feel until recently.
Within 10 minutes after our appointment Cameron had me laughing again. He’s such a good man.
We understood that it just wasn’t our time and we’d be parents on the Lord’s time. Not ours.
That day we decided to try something new. Cameron re-enlisted for Europe and we would do some traveling before we would try to have a baby again.
Though, soon after we arrived in Europe in April of 2011 I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant for the 3rd time.
Once we found out we just said, ‘We’ll wait and see what happens.’
I was now officially considered a high risk pregnancy which got me into see the doctor just days after discovering I was pregnant.
In Germany you schedule appointments but you rarely if ever are seen within an hour of your appointment (socialized medicine at its best).
I ended up waiting almost 3 hours before I was seen. I remember looking at Cameron and saying, “If they’ve made me wait 3 hours just to tell me things didn’t work out again, I’m going to be pissed.” On top of all of that my doctor was a total creeper.
I had to go in for surgery for the 3rd time. I was terrified to have it done in a German hospital even though it was a simple procedure. Turns out I had every right to be.
I went home from the hospital and over a 3 week time period was having excruciating pain to the point where I was on the floor curled up in a ball, at that point I decided it was time to go to the hospital.
Cameron was angry.
They literally put me on an operating table and did nothing. I wish I could say this only happened to me but sadly, that is not the case.
It turns out the same creeper doctor that ‘examined’ me, was the same one that did my surgery. Could this be any worse?
Soon after I was admitted to the hospital I was pushing out blood clots the size of my fist and the next day I went back into surgery. This time, with a COMPLETELY different doctor than the first.
Thankfully everything was taken care of this time.
I instantly went on birth control and I refused to get pregnant while I was living in Europe.
So we started to travel… We visited all over Italy, Austria, Switzerland, Germany, Crete, Croatia and Greece. After a solid year of traveling I had a change of heart and decided to go off birth control and have some fun in the mean time doing whatever adventure came our way.
But, God in all his wisdom decided it was time once again. Within a month of stopping the pill I was pregnant.
This time I didn’t need a test to tell me, I just felt it…
We decided to not tell anyone until I was at least 12 weeks pregnant but I did start seeing a new doctor at a different hospital around 7 weeks.
This time the doctor put me on all kinds of medicine to help ensure our babies’ survival.
Thankfully, I carried that baby for 40 weeks and 2 days.
I’ve had so many happy moments.
Feeling her move for the first time or seeing her little perfect face on the screen and instantly falling in love.
Finding out it was a girl… even though I knew all along. ;)
The first moment I saw her.
Watching my belly grow and knowing that no matter what, Cameron will always be there for us. Both Emma and I are so blessed to have him.
What can be more romantic than creating a life with someone that you love and see that person come into this world?!
I feel like I need to share my journey with you all, I’m not sure why… I hope I’m able to articulate my story so that others may feel a sense of peace or understanding with their own trails.
Finding out I was pregnant for the first time wasn't the happiest moment, it was more shock than anything else.
We had just moved to Utah and I hadn’t been feeling very well. I associated it with the stress of moving and leaving behind a nice apartment. Turns out that was not the case, Cameron found me passed out on the floor, he called the ambulance and after about an hour in the hospital, I was told that I was pregnant.
My jaw literally dropped. I just looked at Cameron and thought, ‘how are we going to do this?' Turns out he had the same thought.
We went to my first doctor’s appointment together on my birthday. At this point I should have been 12 weeks, I had been doing some research and I knew at week 5 the heart starts to beat so I was looking forward to hearing it for myself.
I remember thinking that alone would have made all the sickness worth it.
We sat and waited, they pulled us into a room where the doctor came in and introduced himself. I remember lying on my back as he had his microphone pressed up to my lower abdomen trying to hear the heart beat. There was no sound, he turned off the air coming into the room and still... no sound.
I knew immediately something was wrong.
He told me not to worry that I probably wasn’t as far along as we initially thought but he wanted to be sure so, he sent me down to the ultrasound room where we were immediately seen.
Almost as soon as I saw the baby my eyes filled up with tears.
The baby didn’t look anything like a 12 week baby should; it was smaller but big enough for a heartbeat and I just knew…
I asked the ultrasound tech if everything was okay. She didn’t reply… she just looked at the screen and touched my arm and said she'd be right back.
I broke down. The ride home was the worst; I just sat in the passenger seat staring out the window. Was something wrong with me? Why had I been so sick? Why am I still sick? Why did this happen to me? What if I can never have children?
The doctor had determined that I had in fact been carrying for 12 weeks but lost it at 7-8 weeks, which explained why I was so very sick.
He gave me the option of surgery or pills. I wanted to do it at home privately so I went with the second option.
Sadly, it didn’t work and I ended up having to go into surgery.
For me, losing the first was the hardest. Though, looking back it was a tender mercy that things didn’t work out. We were young newlyweds that didn’t have a dime to our name.
In September 2008 Cameron joined the US Army and we moved to Fort Bragg in June of 2009. We immediately tried to get pregnant; after a year we saw a fertility doctor to no avail. After 19 long months, we finally got some good news.
I came home from the grocery store in late October; I picked up a few miscellaneous items including a pregnancy test. I had planned on waiting until the next morning to take it but I thought, ‘Why not?’
I took the test and walked away not really thinking much of it since the answer for the previous 19 months had always been the same. I came back into the bathroom a few minutes later and there it was… not one but TWO lines staring back at me. I checked the box 3 time’s jus to be sure and I started jumping up and down screaming Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you!
I grabbed the test, ran down the stairs and and jumped into the car.
As I headed to Cameron’s work I kept looking back down at the test saying, ‘this can’t be real!’
He was sitting a room with a bunch of other soldiers when I walked up and asked to speak to him. My eyes were red from crying so many happy tears. I asked to speak with him and he stood up and we walked around the corner and I just opened my bag and handed to him. It took him a good 10 seconds to realize what was going on… and he looked up at me and said, ‘Are you pregnant?’ I began to laugh and I said, ‘Yes!’ We embraced and kissed, seeing how excited he was made me so very happy. Cameron walked around saying, ‘I’m going to be a Dad!’
It was one of life’s good moments.
He later told me he thought he was in trouble because he saw I had been crying.
Oh my husband…
Soon the appointments started and things were looking well. After week 8 the doctor said since everything was looking good he would see me again until week 12.
A few days after my 8 week appointment I started feeling much better and I took as a good sign.
At our 12 week appointment we were both ready to see our little bean. They had been doing ultrasounds at every appointment just to be on the safe side.
Once again, it was the same story. There was the baby, it looked the same as before but there was no little heart beat.
We both cried this time.
I felt totally inadequate as a woman… I should be able to bare children and fulfill my purpose here on Earth. But, what is wrong with me? Why would he(Cameron) want to be with me if I couldn’t even give him the children he so desperately wanted?
These are feelings that I continued to feel until recently.
Within 10 minutes after our appointment Cameron had me laughing again. He’s such a good man.
We understood that it just wasn’t our time and we’d be parents on the Lord’s time. Not ours.
That day we decided to try something new. Cameron re-enlisted for Europe and we would do some traveling before we would try to have a baby again.
Though, soon after we arrived in Europe in April of 2011 I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant for the 3rd time.
Once we found out we just said, ‘We’ll wait and see what happens.’
I was now officially considered a high risk pregnancy which got me into see the doctor just days after discovering I was pregnant.
In Germany you schedule appointments but you rarely if ever are seen within an hour of your appointment (socialized medicine at its best).
I ended up waiting almost 3 hours before I was seen. I remember looking at Cameron and saying, “If they’ve made me wait 3 hours just to tell me things didn’t work out again, I’m going to be pissed.” On top of all of that my doctor was a total creeper.
I had to go in for surgery for the 3rd time. I was terrified to have it done in a German hospital even though it was a simple procedure. Turns out I had every right to be.
I went home from the hospital and over a 3 week time period was having excruciating pain to the point where I was on the floor curled up in a ball, at that point I decided it was time to go to the hospital.
Cameron was angry.
They literally put me on an operating table and did nothing. I wish I could say this only happened to me but sadly, that is not the case.
It turns out the same creeper doctor that ‘examined’ me, was the same one that did my surgery. Could this be any worse?
Soon after I was admitted to the hospital I was pushing out blood clots the size of my fist and the next day I went back into surgery. This time, with a COMPLETELY different doctor than the first.
Thankfully everything was taken care of this time.
I instantly went on birth control and I refused to get pregnant while I was living in Europe.
So we started to travel… We visited all over Italy, Austria, Switzerland, Germany, Crete, Croatia and Greece. After a solid year of traveling I had a change of heart and decided to go off birth control and have some fun in the mean time doing whatever adventure came our way.
But, God in all his wisdom decided it was time once again. Within a month of stopping the pill I was pregnant.
This time I didn’t need a test to tell me, I just felt it…
We decided to not tell anyone until I was at least 12 weeks pregnant but I did start seeing a new doctor at a different hospital around 7 weeks.
This time the doctor put me on all kinds of medicine to help ensure our babies’ survival.
Thankfully, I carried that baby for 40 weeks and 2 days.
I’ve had so many happy moments.
Feeling her move for the first time or seeing her little perfect face on the screen and instantly falling in love.
Finding out it was a girl… even though I knew all along. ;)
The first moment I saw her.
Watching my belly grow and knowing that no matter what, Cameron will always be there for us. Both Emma and I are so blessed to have him.
What can be more romantic than creating a life with someone that you love and see that person come into this world?!
Emma Leigh-Ann Jackson
Born: 10 April 2013
